“Non piangere” ecco perché è meglio non dirlo

Non piangere! Smettila di frignare! Ma piangi sempre?

Quante volte abbiamo ripetuto questa frase ai nostri figli? Quante volte ci è capitato di perdere la pazienza di fronte all’ennesima lamentela con lacrime? Quante volte abbiamo pensato che nostro figlio fosse eccessivamente lagnoso, troppo facile al pianto, debole… Queste sono frasi che abbiamo detto e ripetuto almeno mille volte, spesso senza pensarci, senza riflettere sul valore di quelle parole. Perché per noi è normale, perché nella nostra società si riconosce il valore del crescere forti, indipendenti e senza piangere!

Ma che effetto hanno queste parole sui bambini?

Il pianto è l’espressione delle emozioni che sta vivendo il bambino in quel preciso istante, le lacrime escono in modo automatico, rigano le guance del piccolo che ci guarda e si aspetta di essere accolto, compreso, contenuto. Spesso invece gli viene detto che non deve farlo! Che è sbagliato.

Riflettiamoci un attimo, se succedesse a noi come ci sentiremmo ad ottenere la stessa risposta? Cosa significherebbe per noi la frase “smettila di piangere”? Ci sentiremmo rifiutati, incompresi… respinti!!! Proviamo a tornare indietro con la memoria, ripercorriamo gli eventi che ci sono accaduti durante la crescita, i rimproveri, le delusioni, le paure, la tristezza. Quanto odiavamo sentirci dire “non piangere”! Sicuramente ricordiamo di quella volta che ci è stato detto di smetterla, di quanto ci siamo sentiti umiliati e soli perché non dovevamo piangere, di quanto abbiamo detestato quelle parole.

E allora perché dovremmo continuare ad usare questo tipo di espressioni? Le nostre modalità genitoriali sono spesso automatiche, e ricalcano fedelmente quelle che hanno usato con noi i nostri genitori. Quante volte ci siamo fermati e abbiamo pensato “ho agito proprio come faceva mia madre/mio padre con me”, e a come invece ci eravamo riproposti di non cadere negli stessi errori. In realtà l’unico modo di spezzare questo circolo di comportamenti automatici è proprio quello di sbagliare e poi esserne consapevoli, in modo da potersi correggere le volte successive. Quando vi capita di mettere in atto un comportamento che ritenete sbagliato nella relazione con i bambini, segnatelo su un quaderno, segnate tutte le volte che ritenete di aver commesso un errore e riflettete su come poter agire diversamente. Questo allenamento porterà i suoi frutti, mano a mano che segnerete gli errori e i comportamenti alternativi, più facile vi verrà di bloccare il comportamento errato e di agire diversamente.

Frasi di questo tipo possono fare molto male ai bambini, sono frasi che gli impediscono di esprimere quello che provano in quel momento. I bambini penseranno che se è sbagliato il loro comportamento, allora sarà sbagliata l’emozione che provano… per cui saranno sbagliati anche loro! Fare i genitori è difficile, spesso siamo condizionati da tante regole dettate dagli altri e dalla società, ma dobbiamo ricordarci che i bambini hanno il diritto di esprimere le loro emozioni, anche se a noi grandi sembra il modo sbagliato per farlo!

Sarebbe utile per questo usare espressioni alternative:

  1. Cosa succede? Cosa provi? Vuoi raccontarlo a mamma/papà? In questo modo aiutiamo il bambino a trasformare in parole le proprie emozioni e a “buttare fuori” la tensione, senza sentirsi respinto.
  2. Sono qui amore, se vuoi piangere mamma/papà ti tiene stretto tre le sue braccia. In questo modo dimostriamo al bambino di esserci, gli permettiamo di sentirsi accolto e gli diamo uno spazio fisico (l’abbraccio) in cui sfogarsi.
  3. So che sei triste/arrabbiato/spaventato, ti va di dirmi in che parte del tuo corpo senti queste emozioni? (Qui sul pancino? Qui sul petto? Qui nella testa?) Adesso provo a massaggiarti e ad aiutarti a far diminuire il fastidio. In questo modo insegniamo al bambino che le emozioni agiscono sul corpo, che possono essere localizzate.
  4. Capisco come tu ti senta, anche io mi sentirei così se mi fosse successo questo. In questo modo legittimiamo l’emozione del bambino e gli permettiamo di capire che a tutti può capitare di sentirsi così.
  5. Raccontami cosa provi. E’ normale sentirsi così, adesso che ti sei calmato, ti va di pensare insieme a un modo per farti sentire meglio? In questo modo permettiamo al bambino di verbalizzare cosa prova, fargli capire che le emozioni negative esistono, ma che è possibile aiutarlo a trovare delle soluzioni per passare ad un’emozione più piacevole.

Ascoltiamo i bisogni dei bambini con il cuore e con la mente, senza condizionamenti e pregiudizi, in questo modo li aiuteremo ad esprimere quello che provano, in modo da farli crescere sicuri di sé stessi e di quello che provano.

Dott.ssa Veronica Simeone

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